I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
