This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
