He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
