his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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