i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
