living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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