You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
