I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
