So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
