I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
