Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
