1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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