dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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