Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
