Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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