is your mom at the bar?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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