I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
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