I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
