There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
