just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
