why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
