in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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