No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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