he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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