Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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