dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
