i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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