I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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