I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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