upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
