I CAN MOONWALK!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
