he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
