I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
