u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
