Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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