This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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