i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
