my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
