Pants 0. Shit 1.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
