Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
