you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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