did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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