if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
