3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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