I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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