she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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