I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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