Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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