and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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