it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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