Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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