i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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